and how can I get it back?
“Let The Force Be With You”,
Libido is like our life force.
Loss of Libido (Sex Drive) is a common problem that affects many men and women at some point in their life. Often linked to relationship issues, stress or tiredness, but can be an underlying medical problem such as reduced hormone levels.
In 2012 whilst having treatment for breast cancer, I was amazed at the amount of hit’s my blog received entitled ‘Breast Cancer, Arimadex & Sex’. On hind-site, it was probably the mention of sex that led to the increase in my website hits.
Arimadex a drug, similar to Tamoxifen reduces oestrogen in the body. Just one symptom that results in loss of libido, the Doctor failed to tell me that.
Other drugs that lead to lack of libido and absence of orgasm are Anti-depressants.
Whilst hormones and body changes that occur during sexual response are complicated, libido can be understood in a much simpler way:
It’s not about the drive, it’s about the brakes
I recently trained in Sexual Freedom Hypnosis with Kaz Riley and expert in this area who lives in Yorkshire, UK.
The whole subject with Sexual Dysfunction covers many facets and loss of libido alone, whether male or female has a massive psychological component, this is why hypnosis can be helpful in gaining freedom from this issue no matter what age or gender.
Your Libido as a Car
When driving a car we use a combination of the accelerator and brakes to get us where we want to go. Our libido is similar in that we each have a gas pedal, this is the accelerator of our sexual response. Everyone has different fuel, things we see, hear, feel, smell and touch. Fantasies, sexual preferences, anticipation, connection, love languages, novelty etc., is how we put gas in our tank.
And just like a car, we have a brake. Two brakes, like a foot pedal and a hand brake. The foot brake alerts us to danger in the environment and when hit yells “STOP”. Our other brake is like the hand brake – just a constant “No, thank you” signal.
You can drive with the handbrake on, you make get where you want to go, but will take longer and use a lot more gas.
The Brakes
Looking at libido in this way, people often realise they are likely riding the brakes. Whilst it is important to make sure there is gas in the tanks, from a positive relationship with our partners, warm baths, or loving touch, many of us just can’t seem to relax the brake to get our libido going.
Just like our choice of fuel in the gas tank, what puts the brakes on is unique to the individual. But this list shows what generally gets in the way:
- Negative Body Image
- Reputation beliefs (only bad girls do…)
- Feeling desired versus feeling used by our partner
- Inappropriate timing or style of sexual initiation. (no build up, just ready to go out)
- Feeling tired, stressed or overwhelmed with life
- Negative mood, depression, anxiety
- Shame and Guilt (wrong to think about sex or not think about sex)
- Lack of Self Esteem
- Being in long term relationship (over familiar – lack of novelty)
- Loss of sexual attraction
- Unresolved conflict and frequent arguments
- Poor Communication
- Trust Issues (infidelity, affair)
- Physical Sexual Problems
- Anti-depressants
- Being asked to do what we don’t want to do
- Limits not being respected
- Being compared to others by self or partner
- Lack of gratitude or feeling valued
It’s important to note that even if you have fuel in your car, the brakes are off and raring to go, You still need to make sure the rest of the car is in good shape and even with all of that, if you don’t have the key to the ignition the engine doesn’t run and nothing happens.
Such as:
- Getting older and menopause
- Pregnancy, giving birth and breast feeding
- Underlying health problems
- Medication and the contraceptive pill
- Alcohol and drugs
- Sensuality
- Sexual Hangups.
As this subject has many variations, getting to the underlying cause can take a bit of detective work and is one reason why I suggest a few sessions of hypnosis/coaching to achieve the best results.