My Blog

Still waiting for that last result

05/17/2012 07:30:00

I expected by now to be writing about my good news after receiving my last test result on Monday.

The appointment was successful in that the Surgeon took off my dressings and aspirated fluid from the Sentinal Node Site under my arm which appeared to have grown what felt like a golf ball under the skin, the sensation was painful and I experienced immediate relief after the procedure.

Unfortunately, the last result wasn’t through andI am still awaiting the outcome.

My next Doctors appointment is a week on Monday and if the results arrive sooner, she will ring to tell me the news.

In the meantime, I have received a call from the local Oncology Centre, my first appointment to discuss treatment is on the 22nd May, how lucky am I to have this local service, until quite recently I would have had to travel the one and a half hour journey to Brisbane every day to receive my Radiation Therapy, as it is, I just have a 10 minute drive into Maroochydore. So its a good time to have cancer on the coast ;-)

Things are getting back to normal at home. Simon is back working in Brisbane, I am feeling heaps better and can drive the car and get around. I have even seen a couple of clients.

My first day out alone was a weird experience, I felt strange and vulnerable which is very unlike me. I usually like my own company but it has taken a few days for me to feel confident about being out and about. I can’t explain why I felt this way, its not like I was an invalid for weeks or months, we are only talking about two weeks. I did feel a little dizzy for a few days though so maybe that was what rocked me a little (pardon the pun!)

I am eager to get out and run but am being sensible for once and giving my wounds time to heal. I do admit to going for a 10.8k power walk along Mooloolaba Esplanade early yesterday morning with my friend Janette though, it felt so good to be wearing my trusty trainers along with my running gear and pounding the pavements, even if it was a much slower pace than I am used to.

I am beginning to feel quite excited about my future plans. I see myself as a motivational speaker and positivity coach, targeting women going through the breast cancer journey.

I keep hearing people talking about battling breast cancer. When I hear those words it conjour’s up in my mind thoughts of pain and suffering. Maybe it would be better to say learning through breast cancer, or having the experience of breast cancer, or growing though the experience of.. You get the point I am sure. Although, a battle does fit quite well with my Jedi image, brandishing my light sabre!

Another plan is to finally teach an NLP practitioner course. I have completed many excellent trainings and am qualified to trainer level.. Having breast cancer seems to have been the wake up call I needed to get around to all those things I want to do in my life. Up to now It feels like I have been almost playing with my business, getting great feedback from clients but not really focussed, a bit lost even, lacking direction. I feel that I have now been given a special gift, like winning the lottery, an opportunity.

Ever since I was invited onto the stage with Paul McKenna in London at my first NLP training, where we were hypnotising another participant, doing a double induction. I loved holding the microphone, speaking and hearing my voice reverberating around the room and seeing the crowd of around 400 people listening to me, ok they were more interested in Paul but I can delude myself if I want to, I felt fantastic, like a buzz right through my body, I always thought I was shy but the exhibitionist in me is wanting to come out and play now.
But more than that, I never thought that what I had to say was good enough but now I have my focus, I am sort of learning on the job through my own experience with breast cancer, but I want to get my message across to anyone who will listen, people going through their own journey with cancer or those fearing getting cancer.

The most important resource is positivity and I can help, I have learned the tools and I am eager to share my knowledge!

So bring it on!

I am asking the universe to bring those people to me who can direct me in the “ how to’s”, like how to get my message our there. The how to get from writing a blog to writing a book and then how to publish and sell it.

IMPORTANT NOTE

Above are some goals of mine that I have been brave enough to admit to here on my blog.

It is however, important for me to point out the true purpose of goals in our life.

From a very early age we are all programmed to achieve, we learn this from society, from our parents from school, from all types of media, watching TV, every magazine you pick up and so on.

The trouble is that we tend to attach our value and worth to attaining these goals whatever they may be, and if we fail to achieve one of them, for instance having a belief that to be successful we have to have a ‘happy’ relationship, now happy in itself is a nominalisation, it isn’t a thing that we can pick up and hold, but as individuals we create this image in our mind of what ‘happy’ means to us.

So if a person has the goal of a ‘happy’ relationship and then something goes wrong for whatever reason, then this person feels bad, like they have failed in some way which causes stress, anxiety or even depression, they feel like this because their feeling of self worth is low.

Just imagine for a moment how your life what your life would be like if you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do right now?
What if when life goes wrong, If that relationship ends, you lose your job or you get sick, instead of feeling bad and low instead, you looked for the learning in the event. How would that change your view about what is possible?

My belief is that each and every one of us is born with 100% self worth and it stays that way, we have just learned through our experiences that our value can go up or down depending on circumstances.

If the true purpose of goals are to give us an aim in this journey through life, then we are here to learn, grow and evolve from our experiences, we are learning and teaching, influencing and being influenced every day, even when we are unaware consciously.
I have a friend who I have known for a few years, she has helped me enormously over the past few weeks, I had no idea she had been through the whole breast cancer journey some time ago, she prefers to keep her experience private (unlike me!) but when she knew about my news she picked up the phone and talked. After the conversation which occurred about 20 minutes after having my diagnosis, I felt calm and in control, she influenced my journey and I am honoured that she talked to me that day.
Another occasion when I was influenced in such a way was when Sarah was just three weeks old. My husband and I had been told that Sarah was brain damaged, in fact the Consultant's words that morning were ‘we are very disappointed in Sarah’, I remember those words so well and think that guy needs to go on an NLP course!

Anyway, from the day my daughter was born the prognosis had been poor and getting worse by the day, with complications setting in. On that particular day, when she was three weeks old we left the hospital to pick up our little son with the intention of just doing something normal for a couple of hours. We took ourselves into town although we were in a bit of a daze and not really in the mood for shopping, Adam being two years old was in his buggy and as we were standing outside Dolcis shoe shop on Darley Street, I heard a voice saying “look mummy its postman pat” I turned around and saw this little girl pointing at Adam who happened to be holding a postman pat. As I looked up I was surprised to see her mummy and daddy were old friends of ours. They had lost a baby less than a year before with a major heart defect.

Talking to them that day influenced us immensely, so much so that we continue our friendship to this day.

I have so many tales I could tell you, but I think you now get the Idea.

Life is like a roller coaster with ups and downs and as we are going up on the ride we are never sure what is ahead, it is exciting and scary and also exhilarating and exciting. We can’t control the ups and downs but I wonder if you knew that its not the experience that is causing us to feel a particular way, whether that be scared or excited or any other emotions, it is the way we are responding to our experience that causes the feeling.

Enjoy your ride! :-)

Results and after

05/13/2012 02:53:00

I am feeling like a carton character who has been sucked into a machine, been spun around a few times and then spat out at the end, reeling from the experience, feeling dizzy and disorientated.

It’s almost like waking from a dream except it wasn’t a dream as I can feel the soreness and see the bruised and battered evidence of the surgeons knife on my body. Can it be less than three weeks ago that I was oblivious to the events that were to invade my life.

We arrived back from holiday on the Friday and I had booked in appointments with a few clients over the weekend to get me back into the normal day to day routine straight away, little knowing that after Monday my normal routine was going to change so radically.

Don’t get me wrong, I am still feeling positive and grateful for the learnings I am experiencing along this new and unexpected journey, and I have always craved change. I easily get bored with routine and after our wonderful holiday in Thailand I wanted to avoid the after holiday doldrums although, maybe I ought to have been a little more specific in my thinking, knowing about the law of attraction and what we focus on is what we get. Believe me when I say I wasn’t focusing on getting breast cancer! But then I wasn’t consciously focussing on anything other than ‘not’ wanting to feel depressed about the holiday being over.

Our unconscious mind doesn’t process the negatives in our thinking, for example if I said to you now, ‘don’t think about a pink elephant’, it was there you saw it didn’t you?

Its the same with other things in life, for instance, I have clients who have been wanting to lose weight, but they have been obsessed with being fat and feeling uncomfortable rather than focussing on seeing themselves looking slim, fit and healthy. The more you or I are specific about what we want the more likely we are to get it, so I always advise my weight loss clients to practice visualising themselves looking slim, to notice the compliments they hear and to feel how good they feel.

So when I have moments when I feel a little fed up, as well as using my imaginary light sabre to slice through those thoughts, I also stop in my mind, just STOP, and think of something else. For me its something like imagining myself out running, hearing the sound of the ocean, or the rustle of the trees, seeing the blueness of the see or the yellow of the sand and feeling the coolness of the early morning air now we are coming into winter here in Australia, before long I can sense a change in the way I feel on the inside.

Each morning as I awaken, I imagine the day ahead of me, the things I might be doing and I rehearse them in my mind, seeing what I see, hearing what I hear and feeling what I feel. If anything pops into my mind that isn’t positive, I change it till It feels good.

My results day last Tuesday was a challenging day for me and although I did rehearse in my mind the smiling face of my surgeon telling me good news, the little gremlins in my mind kept popping in with unhelpful thoughts, I used my light sabre a lot that day!

The reason the gremlins appear in my mind is because of fear. One thing that really does help me when I feel fear is the belief that Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. Its usually our beliefs about a perceived future event and what it will mean to us that causes the fearful feeling. So when I feel fear I ask myself what is the worst thing that could happen? In this instance, I suppose the worst thing that could happen is that I could die and the other thing for me is being in pain.

Knowing this, I believe that if I was to feel physical pain then doctors these days have great drugs to alleviate any pain and when it comes to death I have no fear.

I have thought about this for a while and believe it comes from having experienced the death of both my parents and also close friends and relatives over the years.

So the fear is unfounded, just having this knowledge causes the feeling to reduce, and when you think about it, the feelings we get when we are anxious and fearful are similar to the sensations we feel when we are excited about something. So I suggest it is much more beneficial to feel excited about the challanges ahead!

My intention whilst discussing death is not to sound morbid at all, but from a great belief that there is more than this life. I truly believe that we are here on this planet for our soul to learn lessons from our experiences which will move us forward in our personal development. My belief in this regard has formed over time from personal experiences and I would never force my thinking on anybody else, we each have our own mind and body and we are all on our own journey. Having said all this, I am 100% sure that I have a lot more to learn on my journey here on earth so I reckon I will be around for a long time yet!

I am feeling so much better now and getting to that stage where I want to do more, so I might be getting a little annoying to live with, sorry Si!

Poor Simon is doing a really good job of not reacting in an adverse way to my whining about the dust on the ceiling or on the carpet or the cobwebs on the walls or how filthy the cars are etc., I think I learned this obsession about cleanliness from my mum, not that I have OCD and neither did my mum. Infact, my memories of our house as a child are more of its messiness rather than it being clinically clean, but I do have vivid memories of my mum hoovering the house from top to bottom when she was stressing about something. Her way of coping with stress was to clean and interestingly I seem to be behave in the same way. I must make a note to get one of my friends to hypnotise me in this regard, this is one area where I know I need more help so that I can relax and more importantly Simon can have some rest too.

If only I could go out and run. Running for me is the greatest stress reliever. As a rule whenever I feel stress building up for any reason, I would just pop on my trainers and head out the door. The most frustrating part of having my surgery is that I can’t do the one thing that would make all the difference. I have resorted to using my imagination and visualise being out there pounding the streets and it does help, but its just not quite the same, and isn’t it just typical that my hubby, who has been perfectly happy relaxing on the sofa up to my convincing him the benefits of running five month ago, is now looking fabulous, losing weight, feeling great and enjoying the benefits of running three or four times a week with my friends. I am so proud of his achievements and love him dearly and yes I am envious, but only because I want to be joining in the fun!

I go for my checkup with the Surgeon on Monday to get the rest of my results and have my wounds assessed. My first appointment with the Radiation Department is not till the 22nd May. Before then, with a lot of visualisation and positive focus I will be back out running, releasing those endorphins and feeling good!

Results Day!

05/08/2012 17:46:00

Its Tuesday today, 8th May 2012

An important day, as today I have an appointment with my Surgeon and will receive my pathology results.

I would like to clarify something here as a few thoughts have been popping up in my mind, like they do.

As a child I was always a worrier, I worried about everything from the School Nurse finding lice in my hair to what was I supposed to tell the Priest in Confession. Being a catholic girl and going to a catholic school, we were expected to go to Mass and Confession on a regular basis, this was something we couldn’t get out of because we would be lined up one after the other outside the confessional box.

I used o make up things to confess such as I forgot to say my morning prayers and found the whole thing so scary I would want to ‘wee’ with fear.

As I grew up I found more things to get anxious about, especially when my children were born.

Adam and Sarah would be the first to say how paranoid I was when they were teenagers, forbidding Adam to take the local bus to Scarborough, not because I didn’t trust his ability but of the unknown, maybe the bus would crash! My imagination took me to all sorts of scary places.

I am telling you this because of the thoughts in my head about writing my blog and about the mistakes I make, whether its capitals where they shouldn’t be, or too many comma’s or not enough full stops. One of the most powerful learnings I have received in my life is this:

"It’s ok not to be perfect"

In fact, if I was perfect in every way what would there be to learn? I believe we are all here on this planet to learn and grow from our experiences and that it’s the challenging experiences, the really scary ones in which we grow the most.

My job now as a Hypnotist and Life Coach is to help people, utilising my NLP skills to show them how they can change the way they are thinking, this ultimately allows them to change the way they feel, because it is not what happens to us that causes our pain but the way we are responding to our thoughts.

I have learned a lot about ‘me’ on my own personal journey through life, but there is always more to learn and life happens to bring along more challenges such as my Breast Cancer journey now.

Last week I had a hypnosis session with Jules because I know that I can’t do everything myself and that it is ok to ask for help sometimes. I used to believe it was a sign of failure to need help, I have no Idea where I learned that belief.

At our session I realised that this is a time for me to rest and my conscious mind interprates’ this information as rest from activities and also mental rest.

I am taking each day as it comes, distracting myself from my thoughts by watching Star Wars films and also listening to my family and friends and everyone around me, focussing on them.

By the way, I am open to any offers of what to watch next, I already have Wolverine and Avatar on my list thanks to my lovely Neice Rachel’s advice.

One of the presuppositions in NLP is that all the resources are within us and if for some reason they are not within, then we can always borrow them from someone. I won’t go into this now but I mention it here as Jules in my session last week suggested that I go back in my mind and find a time where I had an experience of taking each day as it comes. (I must add here that Jules wasn’t giving me any content, she was just working with process, it was my unconscious that gave her and myself the information)

In this instance, my mind seemed almost instantly to go back to the time when my Daughter Sarah was born.

My family will remember this time well as she was such a poorly little baby, she was born with a congenital heart defect called Transposition of The Great Arteries and because of this problem, as soon as she was born her body and brain began to be starved of oxygen, she had to have a chunk of her bowel taken out as it had necrotised and her brain was holding fluid.

By the time she was three weeks old she was not responding and holding her was like holding a rag doll, her whole body feeling limp in my arms.

Various tests were carried out on her and outside her room at the hospital was a big green book called ‘Diseases of The New Born’ The Doctor’s didn’t know what was going on with Sarah, heart surgery was relatively new and the operation they carried out on her had only been discovered six years before.

In reality had she been born more than six years earlier, I would have been told to take her home and wait for her to die, she would have been classed as a Blue Baby.

My Daughter from the day she was born was helping others to learn how to save lives!

My learning at that time was to take each day as it comes, there were good days and scary days, she taught me patience and the power of love. Not just as a baby but all through her life, she fought to live and she lives life in her own way and yes, I do blame her for most of my grey hairs!
Sarah is now 27 years old with her own child, my grandson Harvey, who has turned five this week.
So my mind having now found and remembered that resource which was always there inside me, is giving me the strength and confidence to appreciate each day as it comes.

I have felt more tired than I expected this week and my right breast has caused me some concern because of the soreness and the amount of very dark bruising that has pooled under the breast and up towards my armpit… not very attractive!

I have had images of the Surgeon taking off the dressing and being squirted by copious amounts of blood as it sprung out of the wound!

That’s one of those moments when I have to get out my light sabre and slaughter the thought!

Quite surprisingly, knowing I am waiting for the results that will affect the course of treatment I will be having next, the days have passed quickly.

The highlight of my week was on Sunday, many miles away from me in a little fishing village in the UK, Harvey was enjoying his 5 Birthday Party with a Pirate theme, the pictures look awesome. As you can see Harvey looks the part in his costume.

He even had a pirate theme birthday cake, which looks too fabulous to spoil by eating.

Here on the Sunshine Coast our special day was the Noosa Festival.

I had entered into my first half marathon at this event and Simon was listed for the 10k being his first event ever as he has only been running for five months!

Obviously I couldn’t run although, I went along to pick up my pack along with my ‘finishers’ singlet’. I felt a bit of a fraud at first collecting a t shirt when I wasn’t able to run and then Simon quite adamantly told me ‘I was a finisher’! so this singlet will be a reminder to me of this special event which I got to participate in from the sidelines.

The funny thing was that when my friends checked their times on the list of results the following day, there was Angela Farlam finished in just two minutes and a few seconds. Very funny!

I guess that was because I passed the start line and I had taken my number with the chip inside along with me to the event. Lol!
Why was this day so special you may ask, Its difficult for me to put this feeling into words, Simon, Steve and Jayne chose to run wearing Bright Pink wigs with long plaits, they also had pink shoe laces and pink zinc on their lips and cheeks.

They looked awesome and created quite a stir amongst the crowd as you can see from the finishing photo.

We also caught up with the Lazy Runners who were running with plaques on their backs saying “Running for Jane and Ange” Jane had taken the free bowel scan test which is offered in Australia, this proved positive and she is now recovering from surgery just as I was diagnosed.

Jane is a marathon runner and I am sure it won’t be long before we are both back out there with the rest of the Lazy Runners pounding the pavements!

I feel all sorts of mixed emotions, an enormous sense of love towards my friends, family and the Lazy Runners who all exceeded their times to achieve personal bests. Well done guys.

I also feel a little guilty that I was so ignorant of how important fund raising is in helping research to find a cure for breast cancer and other cancers.

We all deal with our problems and experiences in our own unique ways and I know some choose alternative paths. I know I have had a few thoughts about my cancer and what thoughts caused it, or what foods? Or maybe it was getting stressed about this that and the other. I have read lots, I have learned lots and I am convinced that this is meant to be my journey of discovery, just like when Sarah was born, this is happening because I can cope with it and I will learn from it and ultimately I will be able to help others from my experience.

Now.. What was I going to say when I sat at the laptop today….

The truth is that I just tap away at the keyboard and am surprised, when I read back at what I have written. Like I said earlier. I am wanting to write a book and I have read that at first it is important to just get the words down and then you can start changing the format and edit it along the way. So what you are getting here is the first draft, my masterpiece in it’s raw state ;-)

I m just enjoying sitting on the verandah with the sun on my back as I write this blog, Simon has arrived back after taking Rosie and Sasha for their morning run. I have my Gloria Jean’s coffee by my side, thank you Si :-) Theres a few hours to go before my appointment, I might just watch the last of the Star Wars films just to keep my mind distracted…

5 PM TUESDAY 8 MAY 2012

STOP PRESS .....

RESULTS ARE IN!

Lymph Nodes Clear, I repeat, Lymph Nodes are Clear! All cancer cut out with clear margins so no more surgery. One result still to come in for Herceptin, although it is looking like 90% chance of not having Chemo! I never thought I could be so happy to know that I will be having a course of Radiotherapy plus Hormone Therapy!

The Surgeon suggested that we should go and have a chocolate muffin to celebrate, so we did just that!

Along with a cup of tea. Although I reckon a bottle of bubbly will be consumed this evening.

PS: My dressings have been changed without the aforementioned blood bath!

Still feeling a bit sore and will be going back next week for assessment and further results and to organise the next part of my Journey.

By the way… before my appointment today, I did have to resort to a lot of Light Sabre fighting to chase those scare mongering thoughts away! ;-)

Waiting....

05/05/2012 08:38:00

Friday 4 May 2012

I am so tired…

I expected my breasts to be sore and I knew I would find it difficult to get comfortable in bed as I like to sleep on my side and at the moment I can only rest on my back, but I have slept well mostly, what I wasn’t ready for is the sense of exhaustion that seems to be hanging over me.

Ok, I have had surgery on two breasts, including full anaesthetic and I realise my body is just needing this time out to heal and I guess after all the shock and surprise of learning my diagnosis plus the following days of telling everyone and adjusting my Life Plans to cope with the reality of the situation, that my body is now needing this time to rest and recuperate and I must allow myself this time to just rest.

Resting has involved me lying on the sofa flicking through the TV channels and being looked after by Simon, he has taken a little time off work and has also been able to work from home.

I am trying my best to not notice when the rug needs vaquuming on the dust on top of the TV. And I really am trying not to get frustrated that I can’t just get up and do little jobs myself or get on with the ironing.

What I have discovered is that resting isn’t that easy for me to do at home and I am probably not unique in that most women would feel the same way in my situation. I am sure Simon wouldn’t agree though, I reckon he thinks I am taking the Queen of Sheba Role too seriously, well I did ask him to fan my face and feed me grapes yesterday…. ;-)

I am not sure where the thought came from, but at some time over the past few days, it became important for me to watch the entire series of Star Wars films.

When my Son, Adam was very young, he was an avid fan of Star Wars and used to watch the films over and over again, I remember hearing the Roar of theTV in the background, the sound of Light Sabers' and fighting which I never really understand, I wondered how anyone could enjoy such a thing.

Now here, I am after asking Adam’s advise on the order of watching these films, (some of you might be aware that there are six films but three of them came out in the 1970’s I think... and the others were made very recently)

I have just finished watching the third film and was amused to notice that today is Star Wars Day, never heard of it before, but it is May the 4th so...

May the 4 be with you all!

I am looking forward to watching the following three films now, or the old ones from the 1970's , Its all a bit confusing. But, I have a new respect for the stories and the characters, especially Yoda, he is so wise :-)

I am so lucky to have wonderful friends and family both here and in the UK who have shown their concern for me in wonderful ways. I have been given flowers, chocolates, magazines, toiletries and my friend Sammy turned up yesterday with Soup, Frittata, Roast Vegetables and some other fancy sounding food that tasted delicious.

Even the dogs have been showing their concern, its quite weird really. The first two days after learning my diagnosis, Rosie slept on the bed so close to my chest I could hardly move, she is a Daddy’s girl usually so I quite enjoyed the attention, and this morning being sore and a little weary, I laid on the sofa aware of my sore chest.

Sasha came along and laid and after having a good sniff at my chest area she promptly laid on top of me right near my chest As you can see in this wonderfully attractive photo of me!

Those of you who know Sasha will understand that she isn't quite as affectionate as Rosie, she is more independent and not likely to want a cuddle, I think they can smell that something isn’t quite right.

This weekend it is the Noosa Half Marathon, this was going to be a training run for me along the way to doing the Gold Coast Marathon in July.

Unfortunately, I am clearly not running this weekend. Although, I am so pleased that Simon has entered the 10k run and will be joined by our friends Steve and Jayne. They should be easy to spot as all three have decided to run wearing Pink Wigs!

I will make sure I am there to take some photo’s of the event which I will post later :-)

There have been a few moments in the last couple of days where I have worried about the ‘what if’s’….

When these thoughts come along I now imagine the sound effects in the Star Wars Movies and I shoot them down as soon as I am aware of them!

I also admit to having times when I have felt very frustrated and irritable, like when Simon took himself for a run a couple of days ago. On his return he was discussing his route and how good he was feeling.

Si is enjoying his running so much and I know how good that feels... So feeling frustrated, I snapped at him and told him to shut up!.... he was going on a bit and I did say it in a jovial manner..... Oh Dear... I saw his reaction to my words by the look on his face. I think he was offended. :-(

I am truly sorry Si, I am just jealous because I can’t get out there and run with you!

Tonight is Friday and I was hoping to hear from my Surgeon with the pathology results, now I know I will be waiting till Tuesday when I go back to see her, So I just have to practice my skills at being patient and enjoy this opportunity to relax and recuperate.

Gosh, I have just read back through this blog and I think I need a dose of cement! Thats what Steve or Andy or Si would say anyway!

So lets think about the good stuff…

My Breasts are getting more comfortable every day!

I have got amazing friends and family who I love dearly!

All this rest has given my hip time to heal!

I can talk to my son about Star Wars!

I have more understanding of Breast Cancer!

I can enjoy this rare opportunity to relax and just chill!

Surgery Day

05/03/2012 06:12:00

My Surgery Day

How fast this journey is moving along, its only a week today since I got my results and here I am already having surgery.

An early start,

first stop is at the Imaging Centre to find my Sentinal Node! I never knew about sentinal nodes till a week ago, it’s amazing how quickly you can learn about things when they are relevant to your health. Finding my sentinal node means the surgeon can remove this rather than a whole heap of nodes from my armpit to look for cancerous cells. I also read somewhere on the net that this procedure hurts… a lot.. Stings for a whole 60 seconds! So it is with a little apprehension that I attend this little clinic this morning, knowing that it is a necessary part of my surgery today. Initially, I am not on the list, after a bit of confusion I am ushered into a room and asked to change into a gown and lie on a bed, which I obediently do, waiting for the moment where I have decided it is not going to hurt much at all, and it doesn’t! Well ok, just 4 injections and each one stings slightly for about 2 seconds, I then am instructed to massage my breast for a whole 5 minutes, this helps the radiactive stuff to circulate around my lymphatics, after which I am taken to a room overlooking Kawana Lake to relax for about 20 minutes, (this time can be longer depending on the individual and how long it takes for the fluid to disperse). I use this time to listen to Al Green on my I pod and watch people walking, cycling and skateboarding around the lake. I have cycled along this route so many times without knowing this building was here, I wonder if there have been others here watching me passing through their view..

Before long, I am asked to go back to the room and the necessary pictures are taken and now, under my armpit I have a nice cross marked in ink, my Sentinal Node has been located, great!

Time now to go to the Hospital for the next part of today’s adventure. I am beginning to wonder exactly how many tree’s have been chopped down just to allow the hospital staff to know how many crowns and caps I have, let alone my address, age, date of birth etc., seriously I have filled in this information so many times in the last few days, I didn’t realise at this moment, that I would have to do this a few more times yet… Simon had filled in my admissions form on line, so that saved some time (and some paper!) so we were soon being led up to the surgical ward where I would be waiting for quite a while for surgery as the list for the day was a long one.

As lunchtime approached I began to get very hungry as I had not had even a sip of water since 2.22am, I had been given a deadline of 2am but I woke thirsty and so cheated a little. So I was relieved to hear it was my turn to go down to the theatre at around 1pm. This gorgeous italian looking guy appeared at my bedside with a two wheeled contraption, I have seen one or two people rolling around Mooloolaba Seafront with something similar and I was horrified for a moment, because I thought I had to stand on this thing to get wheeled to theatre and all I could think was how am I going to steer this and hold my gown at the back so this lovely guy doesn’t see my bright green flourescant knickers!

And yes, I breathed a sigh of relief as he moved my bed and I realised he was going to somehow attach the two wheeled contraption to the bed, I confessed to him my thoughts which he found amusing.

He and I nattered on our trip to the theatre along with the nurse who accompanied us, apparently he has recently travelled to Italy where he has relatives in Milan, the nurse has just been backpacking in Asia and says we have to go to Cambodia next as they are nicer than the Thai’s! Wait till I tell Por (Adams girlfriend)

Here I am on the corridor of the theatre area where a lovely lady comes along and tells me she is just a ‘ringer’ and is filling in, I must look horrified as for an instant I thought she had filled in for Lisa my Surgeon, as if they had just brought her in off the street and she was doing the Op!

The look on my face must have told her my thoughts as she apologised and said she usually works in recovery, she then proceeded with the next round of paper work, same questions, same answers, well they have to be sure they have the right person and the right breast and left in my case.

Once all the paperwork was again completed I was wheeled into the next room adjacent to the theatre, here I met my anaesthatist, he was a stern, serious looking guy, who I managed to get slight smile out of after he asked about my crowns and I asked him why, when I was coming for breast surgery, everyone was asking me about my teeth, I knew the answer but I just wanted to see him smile :-)

He gave me some explanation about the tube in my mouth whilst he picked up my wrist and wiped the back of my hand with a cold alcohol cloth, this was my anchor to imagine my hand to be numb, he then inserted a canula needle ready for the drugs to go in later, and said he would be back in 20 minutes.

This was when the best part of the whole experience happened.. Amanda, she is the ‘ringer’ from earlier, popped her head around the curtain and said has he gone?, I told her he was coming back in 20 minutes and she immediately said ‘Good’ went over to the sink and filled her hands with moisture lotion and began to massage my hands!

She is the loveliest person and we spent the next 20 minutes having my hands massaged and talked about lots of things,her family, hypnosis, The Mentalist and how hunky Simon Baker is, I thanked her profusely and she said she was selfish really as she felt good by making me feel good, I understand her philosophy as that is what makes me feel good too.

So its theatre time now, in we go.

As I get wheeled in to the room, there’s a radio playing in the background and I am amused to hear Rod Stewart singing’ I am sailing’ I am convinced my Mum and Dad are here and letting me know everything will go well…

I hop off the bed sideways onto the theatre bed and immediately my serious anaesthetist is there and pops some drugs into the canulla on my wrist which he says will make me feel whoosy, and yes within seconds I feel like I have drunk a few too many Bacardi’s, then he tops it up…. Whoooah.. Followed by a mask where I am instructed to take some deep breaths …

I can not remember waking up, it’s weird, no matter how I try, the only memory I have is being asked the level of pain on a scale of 1 to 10 and saying three, and then two and then its just a bit sore. I think at this point they decided I could go to the ward. Then again, I could be imagining all this and may have been dreaming.

I remember being very hungry and thirsty and devouring a cup of tea and biscuits. Various people asked if I was nauseous and seemed surprised to see me tucking into biscuits. I was surprised too as I have memories of past operations where I have felt very Ill after an surgery but thankfully not this time. I had given myself the suggestion that I would wake up feeling good and look forward to a cup of tea and some food, so if anybody reading this has to have some surgery in the future I suggest you do the same yourself and notice the difference. Teatime soon followed, with Tomato Soup, followed by Chicken and Vegetables, fruit to finish. And another cup of tea.

Simon arrived shortly after, and he seemed to be highly amused with my white compressions stockings and took a photo as you can see here.

My friends Jayne and Judy came along for a little while. I think I was still a little drowsy and do hope I wasn’t drooling or doing anything stupid whilst they were there, although It was good to see them, I remember Jayne admiring the curtains but not much more!

I seem to have developed a massive appetite since surgery.

But now I am satisfied, a little sore and tired, all the nurse gave me was a couple of paracetamol tablets and I am ready to get some sleep.

Surgery day is done and dusted…

Surgeon's Appointment Today

04/30/2012 18:01:00

Monday 30 April

Just three weeks ago today, we were very excited to be travelling to Thailand for our holiday and to catch up with My Son Adam and his Girlfriend, Por. The Day was Easter Monday and we had already experienced three wonderful sunny days on the Sunshine Coast and were feeling relaxed, happy and full of curiosity at what the future would hold…

One of our most memorable meals in Bangkok was at a place called ‘Dining in the Dark. A fabulous restaurant where the choice of food is either Thai, Mediteranian or Vegetarian, you choose your drinks and then you have to leave items such as mobile phones, watches or anything else that might give off some light, in a safe in the reception area before being introduced to your waiter and waitress who happen to be blind. Then, one by one we were taken through a black curtain into total darkness and guided to our table.

I am not sure if I have ever experienced total darkness before, usually when a room is dark after a little while your eyes adjust and you can make out shapes or objects, well not here, the waitress reached for my arm and placed my drink in my arm, ensuring that I had hold of it before she let go. The same procedure took place with our food, which was a total of three courses. I could sort of get a feeling of where everyone on the table was sitting around me and felt quite confortable, we laughed a lot at this new experience, after a while we began to hear the voices as the restaurant began to fill with other people, well at least that’s what we thought… perhaps it was just a tape recorder and we were the only people in the room!

I am in the dark once more, fumbling my way through this new and challenging experience, seeing people and situations from a new perspective, hearing words such as grades, stages, positive and negative and trying to make sense of how they apply in my case and then learning ways to change the ache I feel in my solar plexus that has been coming and going since learning about my diagnosis of Breast Cancer last Tuesday.

I know that it is not my experience now that is causing the ache

inside, it is the way I am thinking about the situation. Now we can’t stop our thoughts, they just pop into our head, but I do have the choice to stop, whenever I recognise my thoughts are causing me to feel bad, just STOP what I am thinking and remember something else that gives me a good feeling. I recommended a little book on my blog a while ago called Stop Thinking and Start Living, it’s a great little book and I have a copy at the side of my bed now, just looking at the Title is a reminder to notice what thoughts are going through my mind and if necessary change them. It does take practice though!

Another Strategy that gets me through tough times is to go out and run, I have been lucky enough to have two 10k runs this week, One with Simon who ran his first 10k and I was there to run along with him! I am amazed and so proud of his determination since his first run and walk at the end of November last year, then his first 5k at his first session with Lazy Runners. I am not sure if he realises how much running is going to help him to cope in the months ahead but I do. :-)

I wonder how many of you know that our unconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between what is real and what is imagined, so although, I would rather be out running, next week after surgery I intend to use the language of my mind, to take myself into a trance and run for miles, along Mooloolaba esplanade, smelling the Ocean, feeling the sea breeze on my face and allow the good feelings to spread though out my body, I feel good now just thinking about thinking about it! :-)

I believe I am strong and then... we were out the other day and I received a call from the Doctors Surgery, it was the nurse wanting me to see the Dr as they had received another letter from The Wesley Breast Clinic, when I told her that I was already booked in to see the Surgeon, she seemed confused and said she would have a word with the Doctor. After putting the phone down, my mind played tricks with me as I thought something else must be wrong!... got Si to ring them back a bit later, turns out that the Doctor was so quick at arranging my Surgeon that the nurse was unaware what had transpired!

The Wesley had sent a letter making sure I attended the Doctors, but they were a bit late off the mark. All because my Doctor at the Wesley was best friends with my Doctor on the Coast! LOL

I am fortunate to be surrounded by wonderful people

I came across a quote on Facebook that inspired me,

" When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." -Henry Ford

I can’t explain consciously why this quote makes me feel good but thats ok :-)

I love quotes and metaphors and all the meanings we can take from them depending on our own individual beliefs and values.

I read a comment today from someone who is intending to write her own Blog, she said she didn’t want it to be just for self indulgence like some are. I felt guilty for a moment about writing this blog, because it is self indulgent, it is to make me feel better, but It is also a reminder for me that one of my intentions in writing is to show what is possible, to help others to cope in new ways in what is perceived as a scary situation.

To help them reframe the thoughts in their mind so that what was once scary can become exciting. Life is like a roller coaster, we get good times, and difficult times and we tend to learn and grow more from the challenging times than the easy ones!

To keep my status as a Clinical Member of the Australian Institute of Hypnotherapists, it is important to be a member of a Peer Group that meets on a monthly basis. Even without this requirement, I have been running a Peer Group for a few years now and have some wonderful Colleagues. We sometimes swap treatments on each other and I am going to owe quite a few swaps before the end of my Cancer Treatment.

My first Hypnosis session with my friend Jules, is this morning before meeting with the Surgeon. Just to give me some unconscious reinforcement, I am so grateful for my own skills at Hypnosis and understand that we can’t do everything for ourself and it is ok to ask for help now and again.

I read somewhere that this is the worst bit… Waiting and waiting and wondering what is going to happen. I have not got the best reputation for being patient so I am relieved that I am seeing the Surgeon and scheduled for Surgery in exactly seven days from Diagnosis.

Good News…. After my appointment with my Surgeon Lisa Crighton who appears to have an amazing reputation on the coast! She seems to think as far as Cancers go, mines a good one! Only 5% chance that it will be in the lymph nodes so…

I go in tomorrow morning for surgery, I am having Lumpectomy’s in both breasts. If the results come in as expected, this will be followed by Radiation Therapy and Hormome Therapy … no Chemo!

So now I go and pack my pyjamas and toothbrush! ......

Thursday 26th April

04/26/2012 16:10:00

Thursday 26 April

Just two days after learning my diagnosis, and early this morning I received a call from my Doctors Surgery bringing my appointment forward from Saturday to today.

Apparently, when she arrived at work she asked why I wasn’t booked in!

She knew about my news whilst at her Sons school Sports Day as the Doctor from the Clinic, being a good friend of Hers rang on her mobile to update her all about me.

My Doctor, Stacy Wirth, highly recommended a local female surgeon and faxed my details immediatly to her office. Within two hours I received a phone call from the Hospital, I am booked in for an appointment and if everything goes well I am scheduled for surgery on Tuesday!

Everything is happening so fast, poor Simon looks worried and sad and I don’t know what I can do to reassure him.

When I got the news today that my Dr's appointment had moved forward, Si turned around on his way to work and came straight back to work from home as he wanted to be with me at the Doctor’s Appointment.

Afterwards, we visited Myers Department Store as Simon loves to cook and after our holiday we are very much into Thai food and he wanted to buy a wok.

On our way to the cooking department we passed the books on display and staring out at me was a book Called ‘Breast Cancer, Taking Control’ by Professor John Boyages, MD,PhD. With 30% discount.

I obviously had to purchase the book and I am half way through reading it already, I would recommend it for anyone in my position who wants to make sense of the paperwork, diagnosis, what it all means together with treatment options and much more.

On a different note, I ran for 10k this morning, my hip is still niggling from my injury a month ago from over training, but I just needed to be outside, feeling the wind against my face, the cold air as we are well into autumn here, the sound of the ocean as I ran along Mooloolaba esplanade and to relish in that wonderful endorphin release that gave me a much needed rest from the stressful thoughts that have been entering my head.

I had thought of changing my Noosa Half Marathon on the 6 May to a 10k but It looks like I will be watching Simon on the side lines now…

My Breast Cancer Journey of Discovery

04/24/2012 19:11:00

My Breast Cancer Journey of Discovery

First Blog

Tuesday 24th April 2012

After completing my Hypnosis Masters Course with Alistair in February which included Life coaching skills I promised to write each Friday morning, the outcome being a book of some sorts. My intention was to write about my Running incorporating my NLP and hypnosis skills.

I wrote a little… then my holiday came along, 10 days in Thailand with Simon and our two friends Steve & Judy.

We visit Thailand as my Son, Adam lives and works in Bangkok as a Managing Editor of The Big Chilli Magazine. He is the true writer in the family!

Adam and Por (Adam’s Girlfriend ) always make us very welcome and we spent a wonderful time with them seeing the sights, laughing, sharing jokes, playing ‘cheat’ a really funny card game where you have to lie your way through the game to win and generally having a fabulous time.

Just before going on holiday, I attended the Wesley Breast Clinic in Brisbane for my annual Breast Check up.

On arrival into Australia in 2006, I had noticed a lump in my right breast, on further examination and a couple of years later after having various biopsies, I had two lumps removed, both were benign. Each year after I have been tested and although sometimes more tests were needed I was always sent away feeling reassured.

So, surprisingly, this time along with my usual right breast problem this time my left side also needed a biopsy.

A few days before we were due to fly to Thailand I had the call from the hospital saying they wanted me to go back for a particular type of core biopsy on my right breast. This was at a cost of $960. I knew I could claim some of the money back but I wanted to know we had plenty of spending money for our trip and I was sure the tests would come back negative so I delayed my appointment till after our Holiday.

We arrived back on Friday Lunchtime and by Friday Evening my appointment was booked for 8am on the Monday Morning.

By 11am Tuesday morning I had the results. The left breast was fine, but to their surprise and shock my left breast was showing to have two types of breast cancer, one was invasive.

The Doctor was amazing in her attitude on the phone and I am sure she has said those words on numerous occasions although, I felt great warmth in her words when she said she had friends and family who had gone through the experience of breast cancer.

She told me that it was usual to experience around six months of treatment including surgery and it was important for me to eat well, exercise and stay positive!

So here I am, it is now 2.45pm and I feel positive, I somehow think that maybe I am a little numb and will go to pieces at any moment. But I do feel ok now and I am determined that this will be a positive journey. The outcome being that I will be in a much stronger position to help others in the future, by my learning along my own journey.

I am also more determined than ever to continue to run!

All I wanted to do today when I heard the news was to put on my runners and head outside into the warm sunshine and run, unfortunately, after having Core Biopsies in both breasts I have promised not to run till at least Thursday which is two days away.

Now I have added motivation for my running, I am running myself into health! I will run my marathon, perhaps not this July as I Intended but when I do I will ensure I collect lots of sponsers’ along the way to help research a cure for Breast Cancer.

My intention in writing my Cancer Journey Blog is for a few reasons. It helps me to work things out in my own way by writing them down, It is a way of allowing my friends and family to gain some understanding of my journey without me having to be forever burdening them with my thoughts. And, hopefully, it will bring positive relief to others out there who are going through their own breast cancer journey.

I am at the very beginning of my story here and have no Idea how it will unfold, which is rather exciting in a weird way…

If anybody reading my blog would like to add any comments of their own, I would love to hear your experiences. My intention is for this Blog to have a positive slant on a very common and sometimes scary experience.

For now

Nameste

Angie

Hypnosis For Runners

04/02/2012 18:11:00

As writing this post I am feeling a little sorry for myself.

My running was going sooooo well too!

I am training for the Gold Coast, Australia Marathon on the 1st July 2012 and increasing my distance, so far I have increased to 20k.

Unfortunately, like many people before me, I got a little enthusiastic with my training, sprints, hill sprints, beach running and much more, which is great... as long as you rest your body in-between sessions.

WARNING: if you ignore the little niggles when you know you are overtraining, eventually your body will object, as mine did 10 days ago.

My left Hip refuses to run another step for a while (well I did promise my hips a rest after our 20k run, and I would have kept my promise.. huh)

These past 10 days I have cross trained with no difficulty, doing body pump, RPM and Body Balance at the gym, and I am annoying the training but its just not the same as getting out into the fresh air, feeling the wind in my face and getting the rush of endorphins as the sweat pores out of my body....

I have learned my lesson the hard way, I am 53 years old and although I can do everything that I could do when I was younger, my body is older and deserves some respect, so from now on... I am going to ensure I rest adequately, stretch my muscles and have lots of massages to show my gratitude for all the work my muscles, joints, tendons, nerves.. well right down to cellular level...

and not forgetting my mind here, the part of me I tend to ignore when I do back to back training, yes I reckon theres a few Runners out there that can relate to this, and its not just in sport but in all areas of life.

We choose to ignore that inner voice or gut feeling...

So take my advice and remember to show gratitude to your body and listen to your inner voice.

I am using my Hypnosis skills on myself to encourage healing to my body and before my injury, after spending some time working with Hypnosis and NLP with colleagues i increased my 18k time by 13 minutes! and I maintained the increase over time.

In this regard, I wrote a tip for my Running Club's Website,

Lazy Runners, You can check the tip out here:

http://www.lazyrunner.com/hypnosis-for-runners

Enjoy reading and remember to give me a call and you CAN run faster too!

Nameste

Angela x

Benefits of Hypnosis/NLP in Sport

02/17/2012 13:37:00

Its that time of the year again here in Australia....

It seems like every man and his dog is out running around Mooloolaba, preparing for a race or a Triathlon.

With this in mind I decided to re-post this article from my friend and colleague, Alistair Horscroft's site as it explains the benefits of Hypnosis and NLP to help you improve your performance whatever your chosen sport.

Then check out the rest of my site where you will notice that you can experience:

3 Hypnosis/NLP sessions for just - $300

and could incorporate a

60 minute Sports Massage for just - $80.00

Enjoy reading the article below ... :-)

The peak state that all athletes chase is ‘The Zone’ or the ‘Flow State’. When the mind and body align, resistance ceases and effortless ability ensues. The only problem is that athletes are never quite sure when it is going to happen. They do their best to set themselves up for it with planned exercise, eating and rest period prior to the big event, but it is still a hit and miss affair.

Hypnosis has shown significant possibility in creating easier access to the flow state by athletes and sports people who use it. It is well known that Tiger woods learned hypnosis when young and used it throughout his career to train flow states, focus states and relaxation states.

The Center for sports Science in Yorkshire, UK provided a research study on golfers chipping ability while in the flow state using hypnosis and the study showed that hypnotic intervention increased feelings and cognitions associated with flow.

The Journal of Sports and Exercise Physiology also found similar results when hypnosis was used on engaging the flow states in cyclists.Although not scientifically researched, NLP is used in some form by most top athletes, commonly through the process of anchoring a specific word, physical movement or mental imagery to a desire state.I am amazed that

Australia does not have a top ‘sports hypnotherapist’ or ‘sports hypnosis centre’ being that sports is the heart and soul of the nation and hypnosis is quite well accepted.Now there is an idea….

Article: Alistair Horscroftwww.themindacademy.com.au

Reffs:Centre for Sport and Exercise Science, Sheffield Hallam University, South Yorkshire. J.Pate@shu.ac.uk

Grove, J. R., & Lewis, M. A. (1996).

Hypnotic susceptibility and the attainment of flowlike states during exercise. Journal of Sports and Exercise Physiology, 18(4), 380-391.